Loneliness
Today’s guide is about the mental health impacts of loneliness and how we can turn to
extreme methods to find what is missing from our lives.
What Is Loneliness?
Put simply, loneliness is an emotion that causes feelings of sadness and unhappiness as well
as feeling socially isolated and disconnected from others around you.
Loneliness is a normal emotion; one we have all felt at some time in our lives. But at some
point, these feelings of isolation and sadness can turn into, or indicate a more serious health
condition that needs to be addressed with a healthcare professional and support network.
Loneliness can have many causes.
From lack of social interaction, abandonment, health issues, and more. Loneliness has a profound impact on an individual’s mental health and can lead to severe health issues such as depression, anxiety, eating disorders, and even suicidal thoughts.
So, what are we looking for? What is missing? And how can we find it?
In this guide, we will be discovering the stages of loneliness that an individual will progress through when they are feeling sad or isolated from others, to help raise awareness for social
isolation and suicide prevention.
So, what are the stages one goes through when they are suffering from isolation and unable
to find what is missing from their lives?
Stage Six: Resignation: why would someone take their own life? And what the common
misconceptions about suicide that need to be dispelled before we tackle suicide prevention
in the community.
Stage Five: Emotional Abandonment: how does feeling socially isolated or traumatised lead
to an individual developing mental illness and unhealthy attachments to others because of
their fear of being alone.
Stage Four: Self-Medication: Why do we develop addiction, and how does addiction affect
the mind when someone feels like they can’t achieve happiness any other way? What are
the misconceptions about addiction, and how can we support ourselves and others who are
suffering?
Stage Three: Escapism: How does stress and lack of support lead to escaping reality to find
relief? And how do these escapism habits develop into addictions over time? What is the pit
of despair, and how can we change this to a safer mental environment where we can find solace?
Stage Two: Longing: What stands in the way of our happiness? What is the difference
between passion, interest, and talent that can either make or break our dreams of a different
life? Why do we fail at our dreams?
Stage One: Searching: This is the stage we reach once we have identified something that is making us lonely. Maybe it’s the absence of a relationship or companionship. Maybe we desire a better job or life we
can’t quite reach, or we have dreams that we feel we will never achieve. This is the stage
where we try to find ways to fill that missing space inside, and we can sometimes make some
pretty poor decisions in our desperation to fill that hole.
From here, the guide breaks into two modules.
Module One – Learn the why…
In module one, we will be discussing the stages of Self-Medication, Emotional Abandonment,
and Resignation to learn why we turn to destructive habits to cope with stress and
loneliness. In these chapters, we will come to understand why an individual who feels
abandoned, alone, and hopeless may turn to suicide as a final solution to end their suffering.
Module Two – Learn the how…
In module two, we will learn the initial stages of loneliness Longing, Searching, and Escapism
to understand how we may miss the early signs of loneliness. In these chapters, we will
equip ourselves with the tools we need to overcome loneliness and isolation to achieve
what we want in life and to overcome any barriers in our way.
Now, the guide structure may seem a little strange as we will be starting at the end and
working our way back to the early stages of loneliness.
The reason why the guide is structured this way is to learn the why. Why would someone
turn to self-medication to cope with loneliness? Why would someone feel abandoned or
resigned to their suffering? Why do we suffer from mental health and loneliness in the first
place?
Because once we learn the why, then we can find the how.
How can we prevent stages four, five, and six from ever becoming an option? What tools and
resources can we utilise to find what is missing in our lives and to find genuine fulfilment
that can lead us to happiness?
This guide is for both the sufferer who is experiencing these stages of loneliness and suicidal
thoughts, and their loved ones, so we can all learn together how to support someone who is
suffering.
Module One: Learn the Why...
In module one, we will be discussing the stages of Self-Medication, Abandonment, and
Resignation to learn why we turn to destructive habits to cope with stress and loneliness. In
these chapters, we will come to understand why an individual who feels abandoned, alone
and hopeless people may turn to suicide as a final solution to end their suffering.
This module will be broken up into three sections that will cover stages 4, 5, and 6, and you
can complete these at your own pace.
This chapter is for sufferers and their supporters, so a loved one can come to understand
mental illness and can gather the tools they need to support another who is suffering with
illness.
Stage Six - Resignation
Before we begin, I need to note here that this chapter will be the most confronting of any
chapter I have created so far. There is a reason why most avoid the topic of self-harm and
suicide, and it is vitally important that we bring this into the light to raise awareness for
those suffering with suicidal thoughts.
In this chapter, we will seek to understand why someone would feel they have no option left
to them and how we perceive suicide in society, to dispel common misconceptions about this
stage of loneliness.
Why would someone choose to take their own life?
This is a question I don’t hear asked enough. And there are so many misconceptions about
suicide that lead to harsh judgment and misconceptions about this stage of loneliness.
To answer the question, ‘why would someone choose to take their own life?’ This chapter
will be about understanding the perception of suicide from the perspective of others, while
the rest of the guide will be from the perspective of the individual experiencing suicidal
thoughts. As a loved one of someone suffering from mental illness and suicidal thoughts, it
can be hard to comprehend why someone is experiencing these thoughts and how they got
to the point of attempting suicide. Today, we learn the why.
Let’s Talk Mental Health and Suicide
When discussing suicide with others who have never experienced suicidal thoughts, you will
usually get mixed responses. Some will show compassion and empathy, understanding that a
person is usually driven to suicide through unfortunate circumstances, while others see the
act as selfish, heartless, and will condemn an individual for even contemplating suicide.
When discussing suicide, you will often hear the following comments made:
‘How could they do this to their family?!’
‘What a selfish act’
‘People who commit suicide are weak’
‘They had such a good life, how could they…’
‘They had so much. A good job, good partner, I just don’t understand why…’
A common theme here is the question of why. Why would someone make this choice and
impact others around them in the process? These can be very tough questions to answer as
they are filled with so much emotion that hits all of us in different ways.
When unfortunate things happen in life, we as humans tend to find and place blame to
rationalize why terrible things happen. Most commonly with suicide, the blame is placed
squarely on the individual who has committed the act, as the next person we tend to blame
is ourselves.
This is why suicide is commonly thought of as a selfish act, as it’s believed the person has no
care or concern for how their choices affect the mental health of others around them. And
many individuals close to the person will have thoughts of self-doubt and will blame
themselves for not doing more, being more for that person who was clearly suffering.
An unfortunate truth about suicide is that no one is actually to blame. Suicidal thoughts and
self-harm is a symptom of larger health problems that have many causes, and it is the final
stage of a mental health cycle that is often misunderstood.
Suicide isn’t just an irrational thought that comes out of nowhere. No one wakes up in the
morning thinking, ‘today's the day!’ and just takes their life. The journey one takes to
committing suicide is just that. A journey. And this journey will have many stages and
milestones, some of which we will cover in this guide.
So, what can you do?
If you’re a loved one who is worried that someone you care about is contemplating suicide
and you want to know how you can help them, these are some of the signs to look out for
and some tools to help you both overcome loneliness.
But before we begin to understand the stages of loneliness and what might drive someone
to take their own life, we need to learn about Mental Health, and how someone can develop
mental illness over time.
Mental Health VS Mental Illness
Mental health refers to cognitive, behavioural, and emotional well-being. When any of these
are thrown out of balance, it can cause an individual to develop mental illness in many different forms, depending on the cause.
What is the difference between mental health and mental illness?
Mental health is the psychological well-being of an individual without mental illness, and
these people can cope with the normal stresses of everyday life. Mental illness, on the other hand, is a range of conditions such as PTSD, Anxiety, and depression that impact a person’s
ability to function and process stress. To learn more about those specific health conditions, check out the health library, as each has its own unique set of symptoms and issues that
need to be addressed.
What are the symptoms?
These can be vast in not only severity but the number of symptoms one may experience when they are suffering from mental illness, but a few examples are:
● Stress that is out of proportion to an event
● A persistent feeling of sadness and anxiety
● Loss of motivation towards a task you would normally enjoy
● Extreme highs and lows in mood
● Social withdrawal
● Dramatic changes in eating and sleeping habits
The list goes on and can vary greatly depending on the effect a mental illness has on mood,
thinking and the ability to interact with others.
How is it diagnosed?
The first point of call is your doctor. Your normal general practitioner is usually trained in
conducting mental health assessments to determine the level of psychiatric help you may
need. Whether that is in the form of a counsellor, therapist, psychologist, or psychiatrist.
Only a qualified healthcare professional can diagnose you with a chronic health condition.
What are the treatments?
Treatments can vary depending on the level of care you need. For some, stress management
and healthy lifestyle changes are needed to improve general health, while others may need
medical intervention in the form of medication and therapy with a psychologist.
The best way to find out? See your doctor.
What are the common misconceptions about mental illness?
One of the biggest misconceptions I see all the time and have heard many times from others
who suffer with mental illness is that if you just eat well and exercise regularly, that will fix
all your mental health problems.
This is just not the case, and you should never take medical advice from anyone other than a
healthcare professional.
Until you can determine whether you have a clinical issue or just a circumstantial issue, you
should not be self-treating or diagnosing themselves with a health issue.
Sometimes anxiety and depression are just a disturbance in health that requires some
healthy change. But in other cases, it is a clinical health condition that needs to be managed
and treated with a healthcare professional.
The biggest thing to remember about mental health is that it can affect anyone at any time,
and when you have someone approach you about this, don’t just brush them off and tell them it’s all in their head.
Don’t tell them to just stay positive and get on with it.
This never addresses the problem the person is having, and a disturbance in their mental health could
very easily turn into a mental chronic illness if it’s not addressed straight away.
Now that we have a better understanding of mental illness and some of its causes, we can
learn more about loneliness and the mental health impacts of isolation on the mind.
To understand the journey that leads someone to suicide, we have to work our way back to
the beginning.
This brings us to the end of stage six.
In stage five, we will learn about emotional abandonment and just how quickly an individual can become isolated from others.
Stage Five -Emotional Abandonment
In chapter one, we learnt about mental illness and suicide, and how the journey of mental illness can generally impact a sufferer.
In this chapter, we will come to understand emotional abandonment and how this fear of loss can develop over time.
What is emotional abandonment?
Emotional abandonment is usually an emotional state where an individual feels undesired,
insecure, left out, ostracized, or discarded by others. Most commonly a type of anxiety,
emotional abandonment can have many causes, some commonly occur in childhood
and can develop into complex anxiety disorders later in life. Fears of abandonment can
cause a person to be prone to mental health problems such as anxiety, depression, and
co-dependency, and can even be linked to more severe health conditions like bipolar
disorder.
Some causes of emotional abandonment are:
● Bullying both at home and/or in school/ work environments
● Loss of loved ones
● Abandonment by a parent in early childhood
● Traumatic events
● Stress
● Neglect and abuse
● Poverty
● Relationship loss
● Existing mental health issues
● And more
These are just a few examples, and though most common in children who have been
traumatised and abandoned, emotional abandonment can affect anyone at any time.
What are the symptoms of abandonment?
When addressing abandonment, there are some similar behaviours you may observe, not
only in yourself, but in others who have abandonment issues.
The most common are:
● Clinginess and unhealthy attachments to others
● Needing constant reassurance
● Self-sabotaging behaviours in relationships (sometimes unknowingly)
● Fear of being alone
● Shallow relationships due to fear of intimacy
● Separation anxiety (more common in children)
No matter the cause of the abandonment, there is always a common denominator when
addressing abandonment and how it affects an individual’s psyche. And that’s the fear of
loss.
Fear.
What are we afraid to lose? And why do individuals develop fears of abandonment?
Where does fear come from, and why is it important to have the emotion of fear in life?
Fear is an instinctive reaction to danger, pain, or harm. It is an emotional trait every sentient
creature on this earth experiences and is vital to survival. Young children are taught fear in
many ways by their parents, so they have better chances of surviving to adulthood. Fear
is a natural response to our environment and is vital to the continuation of any species on
this earth.
But when does this fear become unhealthy?
Sometimes the fear of loss or losing something can be even greater than the loss itself.
Living in a constant state of anxiety can very negatively impact your life and how you
approach situations you come across. When you’re constantly afraid of losing something,
you can miss important opportunities because you already believe you won’t succeed in
achieving it. You may never start that project, apply for that dream job, or even start a happy
relationship because you can already see all the ways it will fail, all the ways you will fail,
which can lead to feelings of despair, which fuels the fear you already feel.
So how do we overcome fear?
Overcoming fear is complicated. Understanding fear and why we feel it is the first step.
The next is one of the hardest things a person can do: facing it.
When facing fear, some will think of scenarios that are commonplace and relatable, like a
fear of flying, spiders, dangerous animals, heights, and so on. But these fears are not related
to loss in most cases. This is where we make the distinction between fear and phobia. Where
fear is an emotional response to the threat of harm, pain, or danger, a phobia is an extreme,
irrational fear of or aversion to something. And both must be treated differently when it
comes to addressing abandonment.
A phobia is a type of anxiety disorder. When someone feels a persistent fear of an object or
situation, this can have an even more concerning impact on your life and must be treated
seriously. Unlike the above phobias that are considered normal fear responses, a phobia can
develop before, during, and after a traumatic event that throws an individual’s mental health
into flux.
Put simply, a person who has suffered grief in their life can develop an anxiety disorder and
phobia of losing that thing again.
This is where we break down our fears to help us better understand them. This begins with a
few very simple questions. Where did the fear come from? When did you first feel this fear?
What situation, object, or person triggered the fear? Why am I afraid? And how can I face this fear safely to overcome it?
Task one: What Are You Afraid Of?
List three fears you have when it comes to your health. What are you afraid to lose? List
these fears for yourself and then under each one, write the reason why you have this fear.
Where did it come from? Once you understand what your fears are and why you have them,
you can then start to create strategies to overcome them.
This is where a therapist or psychologist can also help you to dig deeper to understand why
you feel this way, and to help equip you with the tools you need to overcome these fears.
Speaking to people you trust, such as family and friends, can also be a great way of coping
when these fears surface.
Task Two: Positive Message
Now that you have identified three fears and their causes, I want you to think about healthy
ways you can overcome these fears and write yourself a message for each one. This positive
message from you to yourself can be one of those tools you use when those fears begin to
surface in the future.
In the end, fear is a healthy and natural response to an ever-changing world, and there are
many resources out there now to help you recognize and overcome these fears before they become serious clinical issues.
Before we finish this chapter, I have one final piece of information for you.
The Truth About Fear
One of the hardest things we can do is to learn to let go of the things we are afraid to lose.
Loss is a natural part of life and is a cycle we can either allow to happen or resist and lose
even more because of our fears.
In my travels, I have found a great metaphor for this, and it’s helped me many times in my
life.
F.E.A.R. has two meanings:
Forget Everything And Run
Or
Face Everything And Rise!
To face your fears is to have the courage to create positive change in your life, no matter
what barriers stand in your way. Whether that is a phobia or fear, both are important when
understanding abandonment. And both have their own unique impact.
Developing healthy coping mechanisms to stress and healthily addressing fear are vitally important when addressing mental health.
But what happens when fear isn’t addressed? And what happens to someone who is left
behind and abandoned to struggle through life without support?
This brings us to the end of stage five.
In stage four, we will learn about the next stage of loneliness: Self-Medication to
understand why someone might turn to destructive coping mechanisms.
Stage Four - Self-Medication
What is self-medication? And why might someone turn to addiction to find fulfilment in
their life? To begin, we will be learning about addiction and the many forms addictive habits
can take.
What is Addiction?
Addiction is not being able to stop doing something even when you want to. When people
think about addiction, they go to extremes and attribute it to illegal drugs and alcohol abuse.
And yet addiction covers many different areas and isn’t about a specific thing or substance.
Addiction is a psychological and physical inability to stop a chemical, drug, activity, or
substance, even when that addiction is causing harm.
Contrary to popular belief, addictions are classified as chronic illnesses due to the impacts it has
on a sufferer’s life.
The most common addictions you can come across are:
● Drugs
● Medications
● Alcohol
● Food
● Cigarettes/ Vaping
● Exercise
● Social media
● Gambling
● Television
● Sex
● Shopping
● Video games
● Adrenaline
So why do we develop addiction?
No one starts out wanting an addiction. Usually, addictions begin when we have a loss or
absence of something in our lives, so we look for that ‘feel good’ relief in other areas of life.
Physically, the rush of dopamine we receive when we give in to addiction, encourages us to
go back time and time again so we can get more of that pleasure, even from habits that are
destructive and negatively impact our lives.
Misconceptions about addiction
Most believe that when someone commences recovery from addiction, they only need
the initial support to help them ‘snap out of’ their addictive habit, when in reality, recovery
from addiction is a long journey. One that will result in many ‘falling off the wagon’ moments
when you try to get your addiction under control for the first time.
The goal of recovery is to train yourself not to turn to those habits when life gets too hard
and you’re struggling to cope. And having a ‘positive mindset’ or ‘just eating right and
exercising’ is only a small part in readjusting your life to not depend on those addictions
anymore.
If you are an addict and you have had relapses in your recovery from addiction, please listen
to what I tell you next.
You did not fail. You are not worthless. And you are fighting a battle only a few of us truly
know and understand.
When you have a relapse, and I’ll emphasize the when, not if there, try to think about why
that relapse occurred. What triggered the relapse for you to turn to that addiction again,
and what can you do in the future to control that trigger, so you don’t turn to a destructive habit
to cope?
As an example:
I have chronic anxiety and complex PTSD that have led me to drug addiction and eating
disorders in the past. One of my biggest triggers for either of these habits is when my anxiety
spikes in social situations and I’m worried that others won’t like me, or that I’ll say something
to embarrass myself in front of others. That spike in anxiety leads me to self-medicate with
alcohol and cigarettes to help me relax and feel like I’m a fun person to be around, and at the
time, it works. The problem is, when I use those substances to make myself feel better, I
sometimes lose control and stop caring at all about myself and my impact on others, as well
as put myself in situations that I normally wouldn't, leading to poor decisions that I live to
regret later. The day after one of these relapses, my mental health is even worse than before
the self-medication, and I’ll ‘purge’ my system to try and punish myself for the relapse.
It's taken years and a lot of work for me to understand my triggers and to identify them as
they start to build, so I can tackle the anxiety before it spirals out of my control. And there
are a few tricks I can show you to help you do the same.
The first is self-awareness.
Self-Awareness
Having an honest conversation with yourself and your addictions is crucial to recovering
from those destructive habits. Understanding that we are all vulnerable and falling down
from time to time goes a long way to better understanding why we react the way we do
sometimes to stressful situations in life.
To start the journey to recovery for you or your loved one, there’s an important question you should be asking yourself: Why?
Why do you have an addiction? When did it start? What caused you to start using your
addiction instead of confronting the problem at the time? Where do you really want to be?
Who do you want to become?
Once you can work out the why of your addiction, you can then work out the how. How can
you nurture healthy coping mechanisms? And how can you redirect your focus to positive
thought processes so when life’s stresses impact you, you don’t fall back into addiction?
The Truth About Addiction
One of the hardest lessons to learn on the journey of recovery from addiction is that the
happiness you feel when giving in to an addiction is fake, and true happiness comes from
interests that provide meaning in your life. Learning to cope with the obstacles life throws at
you and understanding that, unfortunately, not everything in life is meant to be pleasurable,
you can then develop healthier habits and positive relationships that can support you, not
only in your recovery from addiction, but also helps you not to relapse.
Task: What do we want more?
Now that we have a better understanding of what causes addiction, relapses, and
self-awareness, it’s time to make some positive lasting changes in our lives.
For this task, grab a piece of paper and a pen, and let’s get started!
First, I want you to ask yourself what you want in life. If there were no barriers or limitations
on yourself, what would you want to do? This could be careers, hobbies, relationships, and
more. Put a couple of ideas in a list, and don’t limit yourself! Put whatever you want on
there, no matter how ridiculous or unattainable it seems!
Second, I want you to number this list, based on what you desire most and what makes you
the most excited.
And lastly, I want you to ask yourself what barriers you feel there are between you and that
goal. These could be financial, geographical, qualifications, and so on, you might need to
achieve this goal.
Now, and this is the hardest thing I will ask you to do in this task. I want you to take a good
look at that list. And I want you to ask yourself this question: What do you want more? The
amazing goals on that list? Or your addiction?
Knowing what you know now, that addictions and the ‘feel good’ rush you get from using
them, are fake and never last long, that you can only find true fulfilment in the things that
make you truly happy, and that your addiction is one of the barriers to overcome to achieve
the goals on your list. What do you want more?
Dreams, goals, and inspirations are some of the strongest tools in your arsenal that can help
you to not only overcome addiction, but to not relapse and achieve those dreams you may
feel are beyond your reach.
Before we end this chapter, I have two gifts for you to help you in not only achieving your
dreams, but building achievable goals to help you reach them.
The first is an inspiration checklist! This will help you to start creating goals and break them
down into easier-to-achieve steps.
The second is a daily to-do list with some habit-building routines that you can start to
implement every day to help you achieve the goals you have set out to do in the inspiration
list.
The foundation of any goal-oriented life is a stable routine at home that provides stability
and a firm foundation to achieve your goals!
This Brings Us to the end of stage four and Module One.
So, where do we go from here?
So far, we have learned about Mental Health and the last three stages of Loneliness,
Resignation, Abandonment, and Self-medication, and hopefully will have more of an
understanding of how someone can be driven to destructive habits, addiction, and even
suicidal thoughts.
But before we move on to the next module, I have a final message for you to finish these
chapters.
We all suffer from time to time, and everyone is susceptible to mental illness.
When managing mental illness, one of the most important things is to learn why certain
situations impact you so much. Because once you learn your why, you can then learn the
how.
Learn The How…
Now that we have addressed mental and physical health and the impact on sufferers, we can
start rebuilding our lives to better incorporate our health. In module two, we will discuss the
three stages we didn’t mention above that are the precursors to loneliness and how you can
regain motivation to pursue your dreams. We will talk about these three separately as they
have their own intervention points that can be used to steer someone away from the stages
above.
Now we will gather the tools we need to overcome a lack of motivation through daily tasks
and goal setting, as well as fostering positive thought processes.
Module Two: Learn the How...
In Module One, we learnt about loneliness, suicide, and the three stages of isolation that a
person goes through when they are suffering mental illness. In Module Two, we will discuss the
three stages we didn’t mention above that are the precursors to loneliness and how you can
regain motivation to pursue your dreams.
We will talk about these three separately, as they have their own intervention points that can be used to steer someone away from the three stages above.
To refresh, the six stages of loneliness are:
Stage One: Searching
Stage Two: Longing
Stage Three: Escapism
Stage Four: Self-Medication
Stage Five: Abandonment
Stage Six: Resignation
Now, we will discuss stage three.
Stage Three - Escapism
In stage Three, the one we are the most familiar with, this is when we start to feel like we
will never achieve not only what we want, but what we feel we need in our lives. This is
when we start to lose hope and start to question why we even try at all. If there is no relief
at this stage, an individual can become stuck or will begin to tumble down an even more
destructive path.
What is Escapism?
Escapism is a way of coping with stress by trying to relax and distract yourself from the
worries in your life. Some common escapisms are video games, movies, books, and TV shows as they can provide stories we can immerse ourselves in.
Sometimes all you can do is remove yourself from your stresses for a while and immerse
yourself in someone else’s. Video games allow you to play great heroes or villains and
change the fate of a world or even the universe. Books take you to other dimensions and
times to imagine different story lines playing out in a greater conflict. TV shows and Movies
allow you to immerse yourself in the life of someone else and all the trials they face.
And all of them provide an escape from reality for a time, so you can cope with life and its
struggles, maybe even get inspired by the characters to change your life.
But why do we do them at all? Why do we feel the need to escape from life and immerse ourselves
ourselves in others' stories?
Stress
Why do we become stressed? And what are the triggers in life that cause us distress?
All of us would have a basic understanding of stress, its causes, and the negative impacts it
can have on health and wellbeing. But many will underestimate just how much unchecked
stress can impact an individual’s ability to maintain positive mental health.
Some general causes of stress are:
● Work
● Children
● Bills and finances
● People and relationships
● Chronic illness
● Diet and lifestyle changes
● Accidents or unexpected events
● Loss and trauma
● Environmental factors
● Discrimination/ harassment and bullying
● And more
The long-term impact of stress when it’s left unmanaged can lead to long-term health problems, both mental and physical, and there is a strong correlation between physical and
mental health, so when one falls, the other soon follows.
When it comes to stress, we usually can work through it and adapt to a
situation to overcome the causes of that stress. Have a terrible job that you hate, seek out a
new one where you can feel valued.
Not happy with your physical appearance, or are you concerned about your health? Change your diet and exercise.
But sometimes we just can’t escape the stress through normal means, and we can become
stuck in a circumstance we can’t find a way out of.
This is where escapism begins to change into addiction.
Escapism VS Self-Medication
Escapism and self-medication are two different things that are often mistaken for each other.
Escapism is a reprieve from the stresses of life and is a coping mechanism we are
all familiar with, as I’m sure you and I could list many different hobbies, interests, and
activities we utilize to de-stress from life. Self-medication is when an unhealthy addiction
forms because of these escapisms, and you find you can no longer stop or control the
behaviours that once helped you to cope with life.
In stage four, we discussed Self-Medication and why we develop addiction. Now we can
start to see where those addictions come from.
But what happens when none of these works either? And you become stuck, not knowing what to do or how to change your life?
The Pit
When speaking to many sufferers of mental illnesses, a common metaphor used to explain the spiral into depression and that feeling of being ‘stuck’ is a pit.
To many, this pit of darkness in the mind is a place of loneliness, despair, and isolation. One that is extremely hard to get out of once you get stuck in there. And when speaking to
others about someone who is suffering from depression and feelings of hopelessness, many
will feel this is a self-pitying place that a person chooses to stay in, so they don’t have to
tackle their problems in real life.
No matter where you stand on the matter, whether there is or isn’t a pit, or if someone is
just throwing themselves a pity party to get attention, or is truly suffering and is stuck,
the pit of despair is real and can affect anyone at any time. Just like mental illness.
It isn’t our choice to have stress impact our lives. It will happen anyway. It is, however, our
choice of how we react to that stress, and if we choose to try and overcome it or stay in the pit we have fallen into.
Easier said than done, right?
But what if I told you that it could be changed into a room? A place of safety and solace,
rather than darkness and despair. It’s your choice to suffer in there or to take control
and change it for the better. And that this can become a healthy place for reflection and
quiet time, just for you.
To a normal, healthy mind, we all have this room just for ourselves. This is where we keep our
best memories, hobbies, and favourite things like music, books, and games. And this is where we
take time out for ourselves to do what we want and to dream of a wonderful future.
To someone with mental illness, that room isn’t a safe space. It can feel like a trap leading to
a pit of darkness, and we can be terrified of being alone with our thoughts.
So how do we change this? How do we take a place within ourselves that is dark, scary, and
lonely, and change it to a place of happiness, hope, and peace?
Let me show you.
Task: The Room
To do this task, we must try and stay as positive as possible. Focusing on the good in life, over the bad, and trying to envision positivity so we can create positive change.
To complete this task, grab a piece of paper and follow along!
Now, to begin, I want you to imagine a room in your mind. A simple room with four walls, a
floor with no ceiling, just light above you in the distance. This room can be any shape, colour,
and size, but for now, we are keeping it plain with no windows, doors, or stairs.
Once you have an image of a blank room in your mind, I want you to pick a wall, so we can
build some stairs. We build the staircase first because you should always have a way out of
your mind. So, take your time and build that staircase to be strong.
Each step on the staircase is a positive affirmation to yourself, so you can find your way out of
this room anytime you need it. You can design these stairs however you want, and as you
build these stairs, I want you to tell yourself positive affirmations like the following:
I am worthy. My stress is normal and not a sign of weakness. I am strong. I can achieve
whatever I put my mind to. I am worthy of love. I am worthy of compassion. My illness
doesn’t define me. And so on.
Once you have built your staircase, with lots of wonderful affirmations, you can start to
decorate the room. This room is your space, so you can put whatever you want in there.
Here are some ideas to get you started!
What are some of the happiest memories you have?
- Put pictures of these memories on the walls.
What are some of your favourite hobbies?
- Like fishing? Put a pond in the middle of the floor with a fishing box and chair next to it.
- Like books? Install a library with a comfy reading chair and a cup of tea!
- A fan of video games? Install a giant TV with bean bag chairs and a mini fridge for
snacks!
- Love music? Install a sound system to play all your favourite songs or have a music
corner where you can teach yourself how to play the instruments you’ve always
wanted to learn.
It all sounds a little ridiculous, doesn’t it? Trying to create an imaginary room with all our
favourite things. And yet, positive thoughts and activities can turn into positive actions.
The goal of this exercise is to get you thinking about what you want and where your
interests are, so you can start to find them in life. And to pull you out of a negative spiral that
can hinder your dreams, which then stops you from achieving your goals.
You can also use this room as the beginning of your very own dream board. A dream board
is a great tool for planning and brainstorming future goals like travel, hobbies, and careers.
Take as much time as you want to build this room, and know that this room will change over
time as you do.
This brings us to the end of stage three.
In stage two, we will be discussing the stage of Longing, to discover what barriers we have
to success and how negative self-talk can impact your motivation to achieve your goals.
Stage Two - Longing
So far in this guide, we have learned about loneliness and the mental health impacts of
isolation on the mind. We have also learned that mental health can manifest in many ways,
and often, we will think of extremes when imagining the impact it has on individuals in
society.
Throughout the guide, we have focused on outside stresses that impact our mental health
and cause us to tumble into mental illness. In this chapter, we will be looking inward to learn
how we can sometimes set ourselves up for failure or judge ourselves harshly when we
believe we have failed.
What are our barriers to success? Why is the worst critic in our lives ourselves? And what
holds us back from achieving our dreams? This is what we will be learning about in this
chapter today.
Self-Talk
As we grow up, we all learn at some point that there can be almost multiple versions of
ourselves, competing for space and attention in our minds. Some individuals view these
aspects of our personality as ‘the voices in your head’, while others can perceive them as
unique individual parts of a personality that make up a whole person’s psyche. Whatever
your perspective might be, I think most know what those voices sound like, and would have
a concept of their own voices that are either for or against any decision we make every day.
There are many reasons why we have these thought processes in our minds. When analysing
those voices and what they are telling you, you may notice some common themes in the
“advice” they give or caution against.
For example, some of the voices may be:
- Advising caution for a situation you may be afraid of or could be dangerous
- Talking you out of something you might want to do, as you may not have all the tools you need to succeed
- Overanalyzing every possible outcome of failure as a way of weighing the pros and cons
- And more.
These thought processes are normal and healthy, as they provide perspective on a situation
that the positive, energetic voices in your head may not see.
But when do these normal thought processes turn to negative, demoralizing opinions of
one’s self?
Negative Self-Talk
Most individuals, when asked about negative self-talk, will have some understanding of what
it feels like to have a voice in their head telling them that they can’t live the life they want or
achieve their goals. For some, this is a voice that, over time, can be overcome so they can achieve their goals.
For others, this voice is so demoralizing, they feel they will never achieve what they want in their life.
Some examples of negative self-talk are:
- Playing on your fears
- Imagining every worst-case scenario
- Reminding you of all your flaws that would stop you from succeeding
- Avoidance of something that might be hard and excuses to avoid discomfort
- Putting yourself down when you stumble or don’t succeed at something
These are just a few generalisations that negative self-talk can manifest in your mind, and all are important to realise when addressing negative self-talk.
A common theme with negative self-talk is a fear of failure, and this is a big driving force for why we fail something before we can even begin.
Failure
How do you measure success? This is an incredibly important question we don’t ask enough
of ourselves, and yet it can help us to identify why we may feel we are failing in some or all
parts of our lives. Do you compare your success to others? Do you feel pride in personal
academic achievements? Do you only feel success when your goals go exactly according to
plan?
And most importantly, if you do not achieve the goal you set out to do, do you take this as a
failure and defeat, abandoning the goal entirely?
These are important questions to ask when measuring success, as they explain our true
motivations and expectations of an outcome we hope to achieve.
When understanding failure, some common misconceptions need to be
addressed, especially with those who are suffering from mental illness and need help getting
motivated.
Misconception Number One: Failure is a defeat
When we fail at something or don’t achieve the outcome we were hoping for, some can take this as a defeat and will quit, as they do not want to continue failing at something they
want to do.
Failure is never a defeat. It’s a call to action and an opportunity to improve and adapt your
plans to overcome future obstacles. Without failure and mistakes, we would never learn
what we really want in life, and we may never find that passion to overcome the obstacles in
our way to achieve it.
Misconception Number Two: If you don’t succeed the first time… Give up
Now, that isn’t the phrase we are most familiar with. The phrase is “if at first you don’t
succeed, try again”. But how many times have you failed and decided to give up on the first try? When trying something new or embarking on a new adventure in your life, expect setbacks and hurdles to overcome before you achieve success.
Don’t be afraid to fail.
Failure forces us to adapt, revise, and try again to achieve what we really want in life and can
actually remove things that we may not have realised we didn’t really want to do.
Why we fail
The idea of doing something and the practical application of actually succeeding at that interest are two very different things.
Most of us don’t understand the cost of success in that interest, or just how much we may
need to sacrifice to make that interest happen.
The idea that “the grass is greener on the other side” is a common thought process when we
envy others for their success. And yet, we don’t take into account the time it took for that
grass to grow. The careful tending, weeding, watering, and time spent nurturing the ground
to ensure that the grass grew well and strong.
Unless you are willing to make the sacrifices for success, to pay the price passion demands,
you won’t succeed at the goal you set out to do. You will only set yourself up for failure, which can demoralize you to the point of sacrificing other opportunities and dreams that
you might be more successful at. This is where you see people staying in jobs they hate or
remaining in destructive living situations and relationships, as they are afraid of venturing out
into the world and trying to achieve something new.
This is where escapism begins. When we try to compensate for that ‘something missing feeling’ for distractions that can later develop into coping mechanisms and addictions.
The Truth About Failure
Failure is primarily a form of perspective; one we use to assess how motivated we are to
actually achieve something we think we want. And if you really want to achieve something,
no failure or obstacle will stand in your way.
Some of the most inspirational stories in the world are about individuals who had everything
against them and impossible obstacles to overcome. And yet, they broke through all the
barriers to achieve their goals.
We watch these stories to draw inspiration for ourselves, and they are the stuff of most movies
and TV shows are made of as they provide parallels to the real-life troubles we all face when
achieving our dreams.
So, how did they do it? How did they succeed where others failed? And why did they keep
trying even when they failed?
Interest VS Passion VS Talent
There is a vast difference between interest, passion, and talent.
It’s relatively easy to work out what your interests are. Any flight of fancy that comes to
mind when thinking of the future and what you want is categorised as an interest, and these
can be vast in variety and number.
Some common examples of interests are:
- Music and musician career
- Artist
- Particular positions at work, like CEO or business owner
- Public figure
- Actor or celebrity
- Wealthy or financially well off
- Turning a hobby into a career
- Author
- Singer/ songwriter
- And so many more
When thinking about our interests, we can generate a host of dreams and ideas that we
would ‘like’ to do but may never take too seriously. We can especially think of new interests
when we meet people who are living out those ideas we have had, or never thought we
could do, and this can contribute to the idea that some may have some special talent or
predisposition to something that makes them more able to achieve success than we are.
Before we continue, there is one thing I want to make very clear, as it should help when
determining if you have an interest or passion in something.
There is no such thing as Talent.
When we say someone is incredibly talented or even gifted at something they do, this is only
an outward observation made when that person has succeeded in their passion. Most of the
time, it won’t take into account the time, effort, money, struggles, and other barriers that
individuals overcame to achieve that level of accomplishment.
The biggest difference between a person with some interests and someone with ‘talent’ is
passion.
What is the difference between an interest and a passion?
When you are passionate about what you do, you don’t make excuses for it. ‘I wish I
could…… (youtuber, musician, hobbies, career, relationships, artist, social) ‘but I can’t
because…’ “I don’t have time”, ‘I could never, ‘I have no talent’ etc, are common excuses you will not only hear but think to yourself when debating an interest.
But when you are passionate about something, you take these excuses and turn them into
achievable goals that can help you succeed in becoming ‘talented’ at whatever your passion
is. You don’t avoid hard choices, as you know, these are stepping stones to getting what you
want, and no one can convince you otherwise about not achieving this goal.
To learn the difference for yourself about whether you are passionate about an interest or just interested in something new, here are a few questions to ask yourself.
Do you really want it? Or is it just a fun idea?
Are you willing to put in the long hours, money, and other sacrifices to make it
happen?
It’s always fun to imagine yourself as someone else. To fantasize about another life and
potential career you could’ve taken if you had the time, money, or opportunity to do so.
The truth about becoming successful at anything is the drive and the passion to succeed no
matter the cost. To put everything on the line, knowing that the risk of failure can be more
likely than you succeeding. And yet, you can’t imagine your life any other way. You can’t
conceive of doing anything else but that dream, and it consumes your every waking thought.
That is the difference between a passion and interest, and is the reason why so many of us
feel like we have failed in life when we aren’t as driven or passionate about something as
someone else is.
Before we finish this chapter, there is one final piece of advice I can impart to help you on
your journey.
It’s the little things in life that make us truly happy.
Sounds like something you would get out of a fortune cookie, but it is ridiculously true.
Hearing your favourite song on the radio, having a clean house, seeing family and friends,
buying yourself a new pair of shoes, all these micro happy moments, can go a long way to
building a life where you can achieve happiness in your career and interests as well.
So, what are you passionate about? What life are you longing to lead? And what barriers
stand in your way?
This brings us to the end of stage two.
In stage one, we will learn the first stage of loneliness, Searching, to
understand where the journey of loneliness, isolation, addiction, and self-harm begins.
Stage One - Searching
Finally, we come to the final lesson of this guide. So far, we have learned about mental
illness and what could drive someone to take their own life, self-medication and why we
develop destructive coping mechanisms, fear and how it can stop us from achieving our
dreams, emotional abandonment and so much more.
In this final chapter we will review what we have learned so far, to take the tools we need to
combat loneliness and overcome adversity in the future. But before we can gather those
tools and charge off into the future to kick our goals in the butt, let’s review what we have
learned so far in this guide.
Module One: Learn The Why…
In module one, we discovered the final three stages of loneliness.
Stage Six: Resignation: why would someone take their own life? And what the common
misconceptions about suicide that need to be dispelled before we tackle suicide prevention
in the community.
Stage Five: Emotional Abandonment: how does feeling socially isolated or traumatised lead
to an individual developing mental illness and unhealthy attachments to others because of
their fear of being alone.
Stage Four: Self-Medication: why do we develop addiction and how does addiction affect
the mind when someone is feeling like they can’t achieve happiness any other way. What are
the misconceptions about addiction and how can we support ourselves and others who are
suffering?
And in Module Two: Learn The How…
Stage Three: Escapism: how does stress and lack of support lead to escaping reality to find
relief? And how do these escapism habits develop into addictions over time? What is the pit
of despair, and how can we change this to a safer mental environment we can find solace in?
Stage Two: Longing: What stands in the way of our happiness? What is the difference
between passion, interest, and talent that can either make or break our dreams of a different
life? Why do we fail at our dreams?
This brings us to the first stage of loneliness, Searching.
Feeling Lonely
Loneliness is sitting in a room alone, not knowing who to call or reach out to. It’s the feeling
that you want to do something, but are afraid of leaving your safe space to venture out and
connect with the outside world. Loneliness is sitting still. Unable to move or pursue your interests for fear of failure and rejection.
That knowing you have, that, even if you leave, you won’t find what you are looking for anyway. So, what’s the point? Why venture out if there is only disappointment? Why endanger yourself and your mind to outside negativity when there is already so much going on up there? Why venture out when you can stay safe in your
space and live life through the computer screen?
Why take the risk?
The Voice Of Caution
Throughout this guide, we have discussed the many different thought processes that impact
an individual’s mental health. The good, the bad and the tragic. But I have left this cautious
little voice last.
This cautious voice in our mind keeps us safe, and yet that voice can stop us from living a
happy adventurous life.
This is where loneliness begins. The voice that tells you it’s not safe to venture out. Or will
cast doubt on any decision you make, for fear of failure and disappointment. This is the voice
of self-preservation and its only job is to keep you safe, even when it plays on your fears.
One of the hardest things to overcome when we confront loneliness is that voice. It’s not the
negative one that puts us down. Or the positive one that tries to pick us up. It’s the quiet
one behind the competing voices that cautions safety and to stay in your safe space for fear
of being hurt.
It is completely normal to have this voice in our minds. It’s part of our survival mechanism
from childhood and is designed to help us survive to adulthood.
But in an ever-changing world, one that is lived through a screen more than in real life, this
voice has gained a lot of power to many and is causing catastrophe in the lives of those who
suffer with loneliness.
What are we searching for?
We live in a big world and an even bigger universe. The opportunities are endless when it
comes to pursuing our dreams and goals. And yet, so many of us never achieve our full
potential. This absence of achievement and adventure in our lives can begin to demoralize
us over time. As we may feel we can never achieve what we set out to do. Especially when
we live in an age of social media where others appear to have the perfect lives,
relationships, and jobs in comparison to ourselves. When did we start living our lives
through our phone screens? Why do we scroll through social media for hours of the day
looking at others’ lives instead of focusing on achieving that for ourselves?
One of the cruellest ironies of social media is that it was originally designed to connect an
entire world of people together. And yet, we have never been more divided, isolated, and
alone.
How do we overcome loneliness?
There’s no one answer to this question. Everyone who suffers from loneliness will have a
different experience and will endure different extremes based on their circumstances. The main piece of advice here is that we all encounter adversity at some point in our lives, and we all cope with this adversity in different ways.
Understanding why we feel lonely, what we are missing, and having the courage to venture
out and take a chance on our dreams is the number one step to preventing loneliness from
taking hold and isolating us from others.
But there is also something else that I must say here, and it is vitally important when understanding loneliness.
If you can’t love yourself, how can you love something or someone else?
There is a bit of a morbid saying, ‘that we are born, live, and die alone’. And though it is
partially true, it doesn’t mean we have to take this life journey by ourselves. Being
comfortable in your own space with your own life is a tough skill to master, especially when
we are designed to be a part of a family or pack. But cultivating routines, hobbies, and
activities you can enjoy alone and with others is a great way of overcoming the dangers of
being lonely.
All of the above takes a measure of risk. So, you have to decide for yourself what you are
willing to give to make these connections, hobbies, interests, and so on work. And when you
do fail (this is a when, not an if) at something, don’t let it defeat you. Pick yourself up, dust
yourself off, and try again.
Life is too short not to take risks.
As we near the end of the guide lovelies, I want to ensure that you have the support you
need to venture out into the world and to have the courage to take risks. This is easier said than
done, and I know through personal experience just how hard it is to do everything I have laid
out in this guide. I speak from personal experience, so I know how hard it is to overcome
loneliness on your own.
Chronic illness, mental health, and loneliness are lifelong journeys that we all take at some
point. And it’s my goal to provide the tools, information, support, and guidance to any who needs it by connecting a global community of health sufferers through social media and the
internet.
You are the hero of your own story, and you didn’t come this far just to come this far.
This brings us to the end of the Guide!
You have taken the first steps in rebuilding your life to adapt to challenges and overcome
loneliness when it arises in life.
Be brave. Reach out to groups who support people like us before loneliness spirals into more serious mental illness.
You can do this.
Luvyabye
Sharnii Elliott
Free Downloadables
After many years of battling chronic illness and having to make constant adjustments for my health, I have learned that sometimes there just aren't enough resources out there to help people who struggle with their health, whatever form it takes.
After trial and error and some advice from others in my circumstances, I created these documents that have helped me manage my health, keep track of my treatment plan, and create goals for the future.
I even created a Health Library of Chronic Health Conditions where you can research and learn more about common illnesses!
